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Date:    Jun 15 13:00
From:    firebird
Subject: If Men could Menstruate....
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     What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and
women could not?
     The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-
worthy, masculine event.  Men would brag about how long and how much.
Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood,
with religious ritual and stag parties.
     Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help
stamp out monthly discomforts.  Sanitary supplies would be federally
funded and free.  (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige
of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-
dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields-"For Those Light Bachelor Days," and
Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)
     Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists
would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve
in the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political 
office ("can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by
the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her
blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities,
women remain unclean").
     Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would
insist that women are equal, just different
 and that any woman could enter
their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every
month ("you MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence
of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle
of Enlightenment.
     Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a
buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by high-fiving and saying, "Yeah, man,
I'm on the rag!"
     TV shows would treat the subject at length.  ("Happy Days":  Richie and
Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has
missed two periods in a row.)
     So would newspapers.  (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE
CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.)  And movies.  (Newman and Redford
in "Blood Brothers!")
     Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable
at "that time of the month."  Lesbians would be said to fear blood and
therefore life itself -- though probably only because they needed a good
menstruating man.
     Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical
arguments.  How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense
of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that
in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets -- and thus
for measuring anything at all?  In the rarefied fields of philosophy and
religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe?
Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?
     Liberal males in every field would be kind to women:  the fact that
"these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe,
the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.


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