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Date:    Mar  1 11:57
From:    firebird
Subject: You shouldn't have lit the match...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

     "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake.  But I was
only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner, Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong.  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot our gerbil, in," he explained.  "As usual, Kiki shouted out
Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough.  I tried to retrieve Raggot
but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him."  At a hushed press
conference a hospital spokesman described what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube,  igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball."  Tomaszewski suffered second
degree burns and a broken nose from the  impact of the gerbil, while
Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower
intestinal tract.



Bart's Top 10

Okay, here' are the TOP TEN things that scared me the most while
reading this story:

10.  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ."  Ouch!!!

 9.  "So I peered into the tube . . ."   Aaaaahhh I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell.  I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.

8.  That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem)
being shot out of a guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky
& Bullwinkle.

7.  Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus.  I'm just guessing but I seriously doubt said gerbil
was "springtime fresh" after his little journey into Kiki's "Tunnel
of Love."

6.  People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.

5.  People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the Emergency Room.  Sorry, but I think I would
have made up a story about a gang of roving pyromaniac, anal sex
fiends breaking into my house and  sodomizing me with a charcoal
lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I
just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, Well Doc, it's like
this.  See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this
cardboard tube..."

4.  "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief?
How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this?  And
the smell of burning anus must be In the top five most horrible scents
on the face of this green earth.

3.  People named "Kiki" -- which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2.  What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this
subject?

1.  This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those
Mormons, anyway?  I'm starting to get a whole now image of the
Osmond Family.


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