Alter Aeon Boards and Forums

All Boards - Back to the Main Board List.
Board Name - [Obsolete] The Humor Board Room

Prev Msg   - Feb 24 18:41 (firebird) Why The Internet Is Like A Penis
Next Msg   - Feb 24 18:46 (firebird) Life of a Systems Administrator: ...

Date:    Feb 24 18:43
From:    firebird
Subject: The X(mas) Files
------------------------------------------------------------------------

   - We're too late! It's already been here.

   - Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

   - Look, Scully, just like the other homes:  Douglas fir, truncated,
     mounted, transformed into a shrine
 halls decked with boughs of holly

     stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

   - You really think someone's been here?

   - Someone or some THING.

   - Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.

   - Don't touch it!  Those things can be lethal.

   - It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

   - It's judging them, Scully.  It's making a list.

   - Who?  What are you talking about?

   - Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
     travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants.  Once each
     year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the
     heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged 
     chunks of anthracite.

   - But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten
     children. Surely you don't believe it?

   - Something was here tonight, Scully.  Check out the bite marks on this
     gingerbread man.  Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was
     massive -- and in a hurry.


   - It left crumbs everywhere.  And look, Mulder, this milk glass
     has been completely drained.

   - It gorged itself, Scully.  It fed without remorse.

   - But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

   - Appeasement.  Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

   - But if this thing does exist, how did it get in?  The doors and windows
     were locked.  There's no sign of forced entry.

   - Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

   - Wait a minute, Mulder.  If you're saying some huge creature landed on
     the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy.  The flue is barely six
     inches wide.  Nothing could get down there.

   - But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at
     once?

   - You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

   - Exactly.  Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child
     my home was visited.  I saw the creature.  It had long white strips
     of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head.  Its bloated torso was red
     and white.  I'll never forget the horror.  I turned away, and when I
     looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

   - Impossible.

   - I know what I saw.  And that night it read my mind.  It brought
     me a Mr.  Potato Head, Scully.  IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!

   - That violates the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some
     supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to
     good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you
     understand the repercussions?
     If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

   - Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows
     when you're awake.

   - But we have no proof.

   - Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in
     the airspace over twenty-seven states.  The White House ordered a
     Condition Red.

   - But that was a meteor shower.

   - Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished
     from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper
     was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about
     Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the
     public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday
     shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the
     world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do
     whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

   - Mulder, I --

   - Sh-h-h.  Do you hear what I hear?

   - On the roof.  It sounds like . . .  a clatter.

   - The truth is up there.  Let's see what's the matter.


Comments are property of the poster and may not reflect the
views of the admin or staff of Alter Aeon.

To respond to this message, you must be logged into the game.