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Date:    Aug 22 14:44
From:    firebird
Subject: Microsoft God
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REDMOND, Wash. - Nov. 12, 1997 -- Microsoft Corporation today announced its 
intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product 
would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available 
to consumers sometime in late 1998, well before the millennium. 

"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave 
McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God 
will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user 
interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to 
communicate with." 

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of 
add-on products to Microsoft God, including: 

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshiper 
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from 
competing products like Buddha or Allah. 

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with 
Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the 
World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces 
several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer 
Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server. 

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product 
will allow worshipers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. 
A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer 
to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new 
types of prayers with a minimum learning curve. 

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshipers to transfer their 
sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product 
will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of 
secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server. Additionally, 

Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the 
new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft 
God server product by providing a customized user interface. These 
interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshipers 
to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous 
version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Protestant, Microsoft 
Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. 

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to 
release a competing product, Netscape Satan, that would attempt to render 
Microsoft God installations inoperable.


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