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Prev Msg   - Feb 21 13:23 (firebird) Words That don't Exist...But Should
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Date:    Feb 22 13:06
From:    firebird
Subject: The Bastard Operator From Hell I
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It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have
it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more
economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes
every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it?
Of course not. 

A user rings 

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask 

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock 
speed" 

"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know
when it will be fixed?" 

"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be
so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!" 

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of
Laser Print.." 

"SURE YOU DO. Well
 You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up. 

You'd really think people would learn not to call.. 

The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff
voice 

"HELLO, SALARIES!" 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number" 

"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money?
DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, 
and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time
I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE,
WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!" 

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username
and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary. 

"Hello?" she answers 

"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE
IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?" 

"I think so..." she says 

"TELL HIM 'HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'" 

"Um. Ok"

"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE

IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..." 

I hear her scrabbling at the terminal... 

"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON.." 

She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing
about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for
some good late-night reading. 

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology
is wonderful, isn't it?


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