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Date:    Mar  4 23:50
From:    firebird
Subject: Drinking "Problems"
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 Thanks Bruenor, we all know what kind of Drunk you are.
 SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
 FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
 ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. 

 SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. 
 FAULT:   Glass empty.
 ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer. 

 SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. 
 FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
 ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar. 

 SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. 
 FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
 ACTION:  See above.

 SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
 FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. 
 ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
 FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
 ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training. 

 SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
 FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 
 ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

 SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
 FAULT:   You are being carried out.
 ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar. 

 SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. 
 FAULT:   Bar has closed.
 ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender. 

 SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. 
 FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. 
 ACTION:  Cover mouth


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