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Date:    Feb 17 13:51
From:    kralen
Subject: Tips for evil cult members
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i 

2)  Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial
victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be
unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for
not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider w orking for a
more fault-tolerant deity.

3)  Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of
your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in
public. Flash cards are often helpful.

4)  Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being,
investigate the survival rate of th e other women who have undergone
the procedure.

5)  Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

6)  Eschew deities whose followers are all young  such faith groups
usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

7)  Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it
attracts unwelcome attention from to urists, policemen, various
supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during
thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your
approach.

8)  Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like
direct sunlight  to the Powers of Darkness.

9)  If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial
advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.

10)  Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver
knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, and cab fare.

11)  Flourescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly
creatures.

12)  When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest.
Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

13)  When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed
this simple safety  tip.

14)  When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

15)  During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now
generally considered "bad form."

16)  Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.
When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to
discern between the  gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver
bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few
hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.

17)  Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature,
can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and
the deal made in exchan ge for the soul. However, it is also true that
gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change
sides at the drop of a hat.

18)  For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not
available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a
previously frozen chunk of ex-victim an d cleverly jiggling it.
However, a mock victim sculpted from SPAM is unacceptable.

19)  Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and
innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girl/boyfriend),  see
if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, or other people who
won't be missed. 


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