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Date:    Feb 27 23:38
From:    firebird
Subject: Firebird's guide on how to be an Ass...
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     Well, it seems I've got sort of a reputation of being an "Ass."  Well as
I was saccing some newbies eq...his name was osaka or something like that...I
realized that the mud needs more asses...that way I'll have some competition.
In lieu of my need for competition...I'm going to teach YOU, the mud, the low
points of being an asshole.  I'll reserve the finer points for you to learn
yourself.

Lesson #1:  The Fear of the Almighty (Ass)
     Is there anyone in the room with you?  There is?  Fear them.
This is my favorite...because it doesn't cause any lasting marks, leaves
no evidence, and is funny to everyone ELSE in the room.  It's fun to say
"BOO" right before you do it, or if they're sleeping it's fun to say "NO
LOITERING" and then do the deed.

Lesson #2:  They suck...they really do.
     Pick someone randomly from the who list.  Lower levels are better
because generally people's intelligence is directly proportionate to
their levels...and you definitely DON'T want snappy comebacks...they
make your job harder.  After you've got your random victim, send a tell
out of blue letting him know how much he sucks.  This works best if you
really BELIEVE that he sucks, which isn't hard to do if you are a true
Ass.  Everytime he sends something over a public channel, point out any
traces of stupidity in it, typos, or anything YOU don't like...you can do
that...you're an Ass.  Every hour or so move on to another victim.

Lesson #3:  Equipment on the ground.
     If you see equipment that you don't want lying on the ground...and it's
around level 20 or so or below...sac it.  Now your first question would be
"Why should I sac it?  It's not inconveniencing me by being there."  The point
is: It would inconvenience someone ELSE by NOT being there...which is good.

Lesson #4:  Sarcasm.
     This can't be taught...it has to come naturally.  Now you may think "I
can get pretty sarcastic!" like most of you peckers will think...but bottom
line is:  Sarcasm in real life is different from mud sarcasm.  Since you can't
hear tone it can sometimes be hard to convey sarcasm through written word.  It
just takes practice...SO GO PRACTICE!!!

Lesson #5:  Helping people is a really cool thing to do.
     No joke.  Helping people is really really good.  Make sure you help some-
one out a lot, and make sure EVERYONE knows you did it.  What this does is
generate victims.  People will like you for about 10 minutes and start coming
to you for help.  When you're playing along about 5 newbies...perform the
"Firebird Newbie Scramble".  This is a tough manuever...and requires 5 newbies.

The Firebird Newbie Scramble.
     First, get 5 newbies thinking you're gonna help them.  You gotta time
this just right to get as good as me because I've done it in under a minute,
which is harder than you think.  The timer starts as soon as Newbie1 starts
following you.  Take off at breakneck speed towards the Guardian in Zulu area
and drop the poor thing there.  Next make your way to Newbie2 and convince him
to drop all his eq so you can examine it and tell him what he needs to get.
Refer to Lesson #3...you know what to do.  Newbie3 is a tricky one.  You have
to get him in a bag so you can sac it and disconnect him.  Newbie4 takes HIS
fall by simple summoning to an  mob.  Newbie5 is the same guy as Newbie1,
but now he's sleeping in recall, with low hitpoints and no eq.  Luckily...since
he is a STUPID newbie, he's still following you.  Wake him up and give him back
to the guardian...mission complete.  When done fast enough, the result is very
beautiful.  Four crackheads simultaneously start spamming shout and/or gossip
with complaints about your behaviour...which results in them being silenced/
booted/lurkset/disconnected without a second thought...and lets you off the
hook.  When the channels light up with four people all complaining about you
doing different things to them at the same time...it has quite an effect...


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