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Next Msg   - Mar  7 14:30 (firebird) How To Be an Evil Overlord Part II

Date:    Mar  7 14:30
From:    firebird
Subject: How To Be an Evil Overlord Part I
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This one is for Slayer, who uses and abuses me like he owns me...

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, 
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However 
every Evil Overlord I`ve read about in books or seen in movies 
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I`ve noticed that 
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad 
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic 
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an 
Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, 
   not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
   anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
   Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons 
   of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to 
   the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, 
   "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will 
   be, "No, just sensible."

8. When Ive captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill 
   me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I`ll say,    
   "No." and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately 
   in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time 
   during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button 
    labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not 
    Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid     
    enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not 
    clearly be labelled as such.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
    destined to overthrow me -- I`ll do it myself.


12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small 
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need 
    to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my 
    weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemys death look like an accident 
    --I`m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn  
    believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"
 
    I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws 
    in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before 
    implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds 
    of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of 
    the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any 
    accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the 
    aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as 
    members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear 
    military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any 
    other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find 
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to 
    activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting 
    his plan into operation.


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