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Alter Aeon The Great Library

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Note - as with any topic, researchers should question the reliability
and veracity of these texts.  The library's aim is to preserve
documents, not verify accuracy.

AABN:  33751
Title: page 6 of Triste's journal

This paper is made from the pulp of the oak trees thriving throughout the
valley.  It is 11 x 8 1/2 inches in size and unlined.  It can be fitted
sideways into the spine of a journal or used on its own.

This particular page appears to be directly from Triste's journal.  This
particular entry is not dated.  It seems to be a long, rambling prose, but
nevertheless Triste obviously felt it was important to write it all down.

  "I just keep wondering why it seems that I've been abandoned.  
Everywhere I turn, it seems like there is no more understanding left in
anyone to give me. Trust is nil, hope is lost.  I don't know why.  It's all a
bunch of bull anyway.  I mean they say I talk too much, I ramble, I complain,
I repeat myself.  Well, I wouldn't repeat myself if I thought they were
trying to at least listen.  I guess they expect that every other word out of
my mouth is going to be redundant anyway so they stopped listening a long
time ago, and it just keeps going in that vicious circle.  At some point
someone will get exhausted.  I can't help that I'm so scatter-brained
sometimes, and one thing will remind me of something else and I go off on a
tangent, at some point maybe returning to my original point.  I don't know. 
I guess I don't understand myself so how should I expect others to try?

  I'm starting to give up anyway.  I figure without understanding, trust,
and hope, my outlook on the rest of it all is pretty grim.  Ironically, if I
could just find a more positive way to look at things, I'd probably be more
accepted.  No one likes a constant pessimist.  On the outside, all I can do
is watch everyone.  It's probably quite arrogant of me to think they are
talking about me behind my back, that I'm such a pain to be around, an
emotional vampire.  I don't know why I care about belonging somewhere so
much.  Maybe if I was a stronger person I could rely on myself alone, but no
matter how much I try to pretend I need no one, everyone needs someone and
somewhere to feel safe and understood.

  And positivity is just as infectious as negativity.  Maybe something good
will happen for me.  It seems I've been forsaken by fortune as well.  But
maybe that's my fault too?  Self-fulfilled prophecies, goals set too high,
unfair expectations... I always say that I've learned to stop expecting too
much anymore, that way I don't get disappointed.  But even the smallest
fortune is worth a lot to me right now.  It would sure jump-kick me into an
upward spiral if I could just get all these things I so desperately need. 
It's not like I don't try to help myself, I just keep losing my way.

  A long time ago, I fell in love with a young man.  I told him all my
deepest fears, my fondest wishes, everything, I even confided in him all my
pain.  I thought he was the one who could help me help myself better.  I have
long ago run out of coping mechanisms, and options for myself.  I go through
periods of self-doubt and self-confidence.  I trusted him with my broken
heart and he ran off with it.  I still love him even though he only hurt me
when he promised to help me and love me for who I am.  I cried a river of
tears when he left me, betrayed and more heart-broken than ever.  It seems
every choice I make hurts someone I love and care for.  So I guess I deserve
to be abandoned.  I have long forgotten where those tears have gone.  As much
as they hurt to cry, I need those tears to help in healing.  I need some
closure, some catharsis, and those tears and some good feelings about my
future would be a great start in mending.  I guess I've rambled on long
enough.  This is what happens when I have no one left to talk to.  I ramble
on paper, hoping some day someone will take the time and care to read what I
have to say." 

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